Insomnia

More proof that self control and free will are illusive fantasies.

A bout of 3 AM insomnia.

Brain can’t stop, won’t stop. Work, money, stress, lack of direction. Every neurosis pouring through the growing crack in my sanity, the first leaks in a dam before it breaks.

My insomnia isn’t a sleep disorder, it’s an anxiety. A symptom, not a disease.

I know what I need to do, but I don’t have the will to do it. I need to stop staring at the ceiling. It’s been 44 minutes.

I need to get out of bed, otherwise the anxious demons will start to take root in the mattress, waiting for me every time I go to sleep. This won’t be their home, I won’t condition myself for insomnia. That thought finally gets me out of bed.

I need to exorcise the demons with a stressor that they can’t handle. A bed of nails. A primitive device with a modern name – an accupressure mat. A mild pain that quiets the monkey mind, and releases relaxation hormones through the body. It hurts a little, but exorcizing your demons always does.

Ten, fifteen minutes go by as the mat does its magic, and I begin to doze off. The anxiety releases its suffocating grasp and…

I can finally go back to bed.

The brain has settled, the mind is rested, and I wake up to a new hope and a new happiness.

Flowery language aside, the accupressure mat is a great tool for those bouts of insomnia, especially when it’s triggered by stress or anxiety (as this one was).